Alright...First of all, the reason I wasn't adding any more entries was because I was in the hospital...AH, and now to elaborate:
Basically I was in 'intense outpatient treatment' with my doctor, therapist, and dietician, but I was refusing treatment and my weight kept on dropping. There were a bunch of fluctuations and problems with the scales too, but in the end it kinda worked out in my favor, since I was able to trick them into thinking I was gaining for a while there...:D
They decided that I wasn't making any progress after a while, though, because I had been steadily losing...(I would gain a pound every couple weeks to get their hopes up, but it was only because I would drink a couple glasses of water...Ah, water. Now I'm sick of it because I was waterloading for so long. x_X I live off of diet soda now.) So I was sent at 94 lbs to inpatient treatment in Omaha Nebraska. Funderful.
Basically, inpatient is what you are when you're not allowed to leave the hospital. Period. All of your eating is monitored, and they even have to flush your fucking toilet for you, just in case you wanna puke. Jesus Christ. I was there for a month.
In the duration of that month, I gained maybe two pounds. Maybe. But they thought I had gained all the way up to 104. How, you ask? Because I drank a lot of water. A lot of fucking water. I'll never drink that much water again. I picked up a couple of tricks from the kids there, mostly things like how to actually purge...xD It's funny, but I'm more screwed up now with my ED than I was when I wasn't there. They thought I was crazy, so they gave me a bunch of pills. I just shoved them in my mouth, and then took them out and hid them in my shoe, because they like to check your clothes and room for stuff you may have hidden...Obviously they've never had a Katelyn running around in there before. I'll always remember when I shoved a rice krispy treat into my pocket and then they found it in my journal...(They tell you to write what you're thinking in your journal...They say it's private...But they read it. Oh, yes indeed, they read it...Half the reason they let me out was because I had written 'I want to get better. I want to gain weight.' What idiots...) Anywho, they gave me a supplement...(A supplement is a bit of ensure or boost, basically liquid calories...God, just one can of that shit is like 300 cals! They give you a little in a medicine cup so you'll get the same amount of calories even if you refuse food) I drank it, then walked away and spat it out onto the floor when no one was looking, then ground it in with my shoe so it wouldn't look odd. Sly, ain't I?
When I got out, a miracle occurred: my therapist reccommended that I stop treatment. She said that I should be able to do this on my own. ::HALELUJAH...:: I haven't seen a doctor or a dietician since. And my weight has plummeted to 85 lbs. I plan to take a stab at 80.
I feel fucking great, and it's like I'm high all the time. The end.
Well, I've all but dropped this blog since I haven't really had time to write. I'll add some poems and stuff just to keep me busy. o_o
I open the door, Walk outside, sudden burst of cold hits me like it does every night. Cold is always there.
I walk through the room, Wrap my arms around myself, like I always do every night. Cold is always there.
Think, ‘Is this what I want for the rest of my life?’
And I answer yes, because I know there will never be another creature, animal, who would like to bask in the ice of my mind.
Never ever, they tell me, never ever be more than nothing. Bite myself if I tried to be much else.
Not my choice to make, Never Spaz’s choice. Cold is always there.
Remember what made you begin. Remember your constant companion. Cold is always there.
Mary, your shoulders are so strong.
New poem.
Why did I cry over him? He was nothing. I guess it’s because they say it’s not my choice.
Sure, like I don’t have a voice. Like I don’t have a head to think with. Like I am nothing at all but an item they can command, A slave held under lock and key, or in this case lock and bell. Can’t do anything now, But I’ll be able to do soon.
Don’t really want anything.
The point of being who I am is to be able to do what I believe is ‘right.’ Right and wrong are both opinions, stemming from human’s roots in Africa. Right and wrong are opinions, but when people start to think that there are actual standards, you run into some confusion. We’re searching for standards that aren’t there, so we make up standards that no one can use. Animals don’t have standards- they backstab, run, eat, do everything under the sun. Or over the sun, depending upon how to think of under. Experiece is only as useful as you make it. If you spend all of your life taking no chances, not learning anything, how can it be possible to be ‘wise?’ Whereas, if you take someone of younger years who has experienced more and used that experience, you come up with a ‘wiser’ person in most respects. Some of the wisest people I’ve ever met weren’t even in their right mind, to speak. We need mates to reproduce, but when you take away that point- to reproduce- what is left? It’s unnecessary then. But then why do people stay together? Perhaps it’s to have a companion- people don’t like to be alone. If everyone was ‘alone,’ then we would all have our little private nightmare. Or we could just pretend like people are there. Style is a reflection of who you are. With one look people can tell what you like, what you dislike…Without even exchanging words.
It’s hard not to obsess over things, So I’ll think about other stuff.
I like the way you choose music. I like the way you are. I care because you do.
When I hear this song, I think about you, Paul. I think of things that can never be, and it makes me sad. People’s faces, people who will never be alive. People who I will never know, who are as I type on their deathbeds. Some of them can’t afford beds. Some are so lavishly enthroned upon theirs that they would never see another day without it. Cold, gold encrusted beads.
But I don’t want any of that. Well, I want it, but not badly. Not as badly as I wish I had something more tangible. More tangible than sight? More tangible than sound? More tangible than anything anyone could ever give? Yes, it’s called companionship. Only deeper than that.
I’ll leave it at that. I just like your song. Maybe I just share the same taste in music as you. But I really like this song, and although I don’t enjoy the ideas that it brings, I guess you could say that deep down I really love to soak in the memory of memories never had.
The tail end of all of that I'm not showing only because it mentions things that don't need to be said. x_X
Just thought that I'd steal a favorite phrase from Joslin...Can't wait till next year, I'm going to a high school that I'll really like, not one of those high-class, preppy Catholic schools. Comment with your ideas on Catholics...xD
Well, I went to the mall yesterday with Liz...Saw a really cool swimming suit, it was a black bikini with skulls all over it...It was 60 bucks though, and I couldn't afford it. ;_; Oh well, I guess I can always get my mom to buy it or something...o_o;
Well, my mom sent me to a psychologist today, and I basically spilled the beans about everything, but I'm glad I did since the therapist lady or whoever the fuck she was said that she was going to get me on the pill. At least now I won't have to worry so much. My mom forced me to go there anyway, so whatever. o_o;
WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THE STATUTORY RAPE LAWS?! I came how yesterday morning, and my friend entirely ratted me out! Now my mom called Chris up and told him never to see me again or else she would press charges. WHAT THE HELL?! o_O She also said she would send me to a psychiatrist today or something, but I seriously doubt that. I wish she would stop caring about me. She took something that should have been a great experience and turned it into something ugly. And also...I just noticed that as soon as I wrote a blog that involved sex and running away, lots of people were interested. I just find that funny. xD It's a diary, people. Never thought anyone would bother to read it.
Yesterday night was probably one of the best nights of my life. At first I thought that it would end horribly, since when I told my parents I was going to go for a walk (to Chris's house) my dad said he was coming with me. Long story short, I lost him in a neighborhood, and knocked on the wrong door. Luckily no one answered, and I figured out that it was the wrong house. xD Anyway, Chris didn't know I was at the back door, so I let myself in. I made him cum four times, and it was the best night of my life. I really feel comfortable around him, even though I've only met him twice. I'm probably using him anyway, but oh well.
Only problem of the night: Chris didn't offer to walk me home, so the police eventually caught me and drove me to my parents house.
Relief, Sweet Relief...And it doesn't involve laxitives
Ok, a lot of good things have been happening to me. THe project is still only halfway done, and I'm basically dead in all of my classes. Chris talked to me last night, he's really interested in me for some reason. I'm not sure if I should push him away or what, but I don't want him to get annoying. I'm going over to his house tonight, so it ought be fun.
Sometimes it occurrs to me just how much things have changed since I was born, and how crazy the times have become. I guess you wouldn't call it crazy, but it's the same and different.
I still don't care much...That reminds me of that song from some band I can't remember...THe name is 'We've Been Had'
'I'm a modern guy, I don't care much for the go-go, or the retro image I see so often telling me to keep trying. Maybe I'll get there, someday, keep up the work yeah. It's only now. We've been had, you say it's over, sometimes I'm just happy, I'm older, we've been had, I know it's over, sometimes it's just easy to laugh out loud.
See me age 19 with some dumb haircut from 1960, movin to New York City. Live with my friends, yeah, we're foolish now.'
Lately I've been very depressed, for some reason I'm also yearning for someone to hold my hand or something stupid like that. I hate those damn emotions.
xD It's fun to contradict myself by using an emotion to express I hate emotions.
Well, today is a normal day for once. Last night I was feeling horrible, like no one cared for me or wanted to be there for me. That's because I really feel unwanted around my friends sometimes. I don't know why I feel this way, it's like I'm hopeless. Entirely hopeless.
A few guys at school today were talking to me, which is unusual because no one really talks to me except for my few select friends (which consist of three other girls) And they're also guys. I never really had any guy friends, or anything like that. I just had girls that came over every now and then. Liz is going to have me over this weekend for the mall, I think...She said there would be some more guys. Halfway wish I wouldn't have turned down the idea of inviting Chris, the first guy I ever touched.
Ok, these are some poems I wrote in school a couple days ago:
I'd call this most days, but most days only comes once a year now
See the wide grin on your face, Watch the mists of candy pace, Lift the cord and watch them bake, Hear the voice of old, hard rakes. Give me this and give me tha-at,
Tell me you have lost the map.
Unnecessary Consolation Prize for the Cult
Rip Drip Rip
Hear the wind tear at all, Hear it tear the paper,
Pretty green paper
Paper that holds a rose, Because I'm meeting someone dear today.
Tonight, Tomorrow, Maybe never
Cold, but happy sitting behind the flower place, the one with the catchy commercial-whore tun,
Rip Drip Rip
Fold the paper over it, Don't want it to fall apart. The girl with curly black hair sits on the cement steps of the concrete river, a steady stream of water flowing down the makeshift brook. The crinkle of green paper is audible as the frigid breeze ruffles her hair, cheeks red from cold. The streetlight reflects its yellow glow against the riplles, never one wavering or flicking. The dainty, fragile petals gently sway inside their armor, the green wrapping, as a pale hand tightens to hold on while watching the water and feeling the prick of thorns.
Ok, so much happened last night...Jesus Christ, it was crazy. Three other friends of mine were over at this girl's (Liz's) house for her birthday party, and we randomly invite these two guys over. Well, long story short I end up in the computer room giving one of the guys a bj while all of the other girls in the next room (Along with the one guy who didn't take up my invitation to 'go in the computer room and watch porn') All of them were freaking out, so I locked the door and continued. He fingered me and sucked my tits while I jerked him off and sucked on him, but there's one problem: He had a small dick. (This was my first time EVER doing anything with a guy like this...Even my first kiss and make out session...) Afterwards my friends wouldn't leave me alone about it, but all I told them was that I gave him a bj. He seems extremely desperate, and he's quiet too. I only knew him for 20 minutes before I was sucking on his dick without a condom. I know he doesn't have any diseases since it's most likely that he hasn't been laid in at least a while, but I don't know what to tell my friends. It'll seem like a total insult to myself to tell them that he had a small cock, because I know they'll just laugh. And I know I'm going to end up telling them anyway...But Jesus, why did he have to have a small cock?!
Well, two weeks till the end of the quarter. Can't wait till I'm out of 8th grade...Sure sucks here. :) Damn Catholics. Anyway, my report is due in two weeks, and it's barely halfway done. The report: A powerpoint presentation on any subject you want. It has to be more than 20 slides, though, I think...Anyway, I've been slacking off nearly ALL the time, and that's why it's hardly done...o_o I chose philosophy as a subject. Oh joy, thanks a lot, me...Why couldn't I have chosen something I knew about?! x_X!!!!!!!
Yesterday a lot of unexpected events occurred. On a whim, I took a walk with twenty dollars stashed in my pants and a Texas phone number written just above my cunt. Why? Because I was running away.
Earlier that day, it had been a dress-down day at my Catholic school, and I was wearing some crazy shit. After school me and a friend of mine switched shirts so she could show the black one I had on to her cousin, but my mom freaked for some reason. She yelled at me for a while, then I took what will forever be deemed 'The walk.' I went farther away from home than I'd ever gone before, counting on me being far too late for hope to my Confirmation (Confirmation is a Sacrament that basically tells the whole world 'I AM CATHOLIC.' My mom still says differently, being the moron she is.) I was out from five till around seven when my grandma found me inside the Hy-Vee (A store...Weird name, I know) She was as pissed as hell, but still took me to the fucking ceremony while I protested on the grounds that I am not Catholic and never will be Christian NOR Catholic. Anyway, some dude put oil on my head while I tried desperately to not give the Abbot the finger, and that was my day.
o_o
Oh yeah, and the number on my pussy was Paul's, and I figured out later that it was stupid to write it there, since I can't call long distance from a pay phone on 20 bucks. His cell most likely wouldn't be on anyway.
